Becoming a multi-cultural family

Lenski and I often forget that we are an inter-racial couple.  It just never really occurs to us.  Ok, maybe it does when Lenski's skin is so nice and tan and I look more like a ghost but normally it doesn't cross our minds.  As we prepare for our future child one of the things we've had to think about is how we will parent cross culturally.  We've read a lot about this subject and here's some key things we wanted to share with you.

• Knowing something about child care practices, sleeping arrangements, toileting and hygeine, discipline, and even how children were carried takes on special importance when everything a child is experiencing is new and unfamiliar.
• Families can incorporate artifacts into their home and their new child's own space that reflect his/her culture.  
• Experimenting ahead of time with foods which will be familiar to the child is another way to feel connected.
• One mother stressed the importance of learning some minimal survival phrases and words such as: I'll be back; I am your mamma/papa; no; yes; I love you; food/eat; stop; come here; show me where it hurts; toilet.
• A person's ethnic identity is a person's sense of belonging to an ethnic group.  Ethnic identity is drawn from the realization that part of one's thinking, perceptions, feelings, and behaviors are consistent with those of the members of that ethnic group.  An adopted child has lost important ways of connecting with his/her ancestors and with contemporaries with whom he shares ethnicity.  
• If internationally adopted children are going to grow up with a cultural awareness of their ethnic groups, they will need to be part of communities in which those cultural values are transmitted.  
• The goal is to raise a child who can identify and interact with people of his own ethnic group and not be embarrassed to have been raised by white parents.
• The goal is for the child to appreciate his ethnic and cultural heritage enough not to feel alienated from others with the same heritage and to want to explore it and draw on it.  
• Culture camp can be an excellent experience for internationally adopted children.  It brings together children who have had a common experience not shared by most people.

These tidbits are from some of the books we've read.  It's really important to us to communicate with our child that we value their culture and that we hope they will too.  We are not wanting to "Americanize" a child although we understand that will be difficult NOT to do since we live in America.  

Sometimes people don't understand why Americans want to adopt children from other countries.  They think that we feel we need to "rescue" their children.  This can create animosity about international adoption.  Please pray for us as we continue this process.  We do not want to send the wrong message to people and we could use your prayers in that matter.  We would also love prayer for wisdom.  Wisdom to know how to parent cross culturally.  It's a big and very important task.  

We are excited about parenting cross culturally.  We only hope and pray that we do it well.  

Mean what you say and say what you mean

These days it's not uncommon to hear someone call another person retarded or even to refer to an event or thing as such.  We use it interchangeably with the word stupid or dumb.  But what does that mean for those who are developmentally challenged or delayed?  Does that mean that they're stupid or dumb?  Of course that's never what we mean but the fact remains that our words are powerful and they can communicate more than what we'd like.  What does this have to do with our adoption?

Adoptive parents and children are subjected to something similar.  As Lenski and I continue to learn more about adoption we want to share it with you, our "village", as a way to help us all grow and be better prepared for this change in our lives.  The truth is that many of you will be part of this child's life and the words you use will impact them.  So let's choose them wisely and really think about what we're saying.  We've been given a great list of positive and negative ways to use adoption terms and we'd like you to take a look:

Positive Language                                                            Negative Language
Birth Parent                                                                        Real Parent
Biological Parent                                                                Natural Parent
Birth Child                                                                          Own Child
Born to unmarried parents                                                  Illegitimate
Terminate parental rights                                                    Give up
Make an adoption plan                                                       Give away
To parent                                                                            To keep
Waiting child                                                                      Adoptable child; Available child
Parent                                                                                 Adoptive parent
Intercountry adoption                                                         Foreign adoption
Child placed for adoption                                                   Unwanted child
Court termination                                                                Child taken away
Child with special needs                                                     Handicapped child
Child from abroad                                                               Foreign child
WAS adopted                                                                      Is adopted

We understand if some of these are easier than others.  Lenski and I are also working on this shift.  But we all need to remember that words not only describe, they evoke feelings and that can be positive or negative.  Since we want to celebrate adoption and recognize it as the positive option it is we want our language to reflect that.  We hope that you will join us.